Of course, if you’re selling your home, a yard sale is a good way to start the process.

First, clean out every shelf, closet and drawer. Set aside everything you haven’t used in the last month or two. (Please note that children and spouses tire of this activity quickly.) Maybe get a group of friends together to…no, wait. You don’t actually want any of them seeing those places you’re cleaning out! Stick with the immediate family and accept the fact that you will be doing most of the work yourself.

Put the things that you need to pack before moving (but won’t need for the next couple of months) aside. The rest goes up for sale. Spouses, kids and parents disagree about things to keep and things to sell. Decide beforehand if proceeds from the sale of kid items go to kids or parent. Negotiations then continue until everyone agrees, or someone stomps off pouting (which, the kids shouldn’t see you do, by the way). Remember to buy enough garbage bags for what doesn’t sell, and toss it quickly, before subsequent negotiations can begin.

Although this is stressful at the time, it is a good thing in the long run because you’re setting the tone for sale day and learning about selling your home. You, your spouse and kids will still be disagreeing at the yard sale at the same time you negotiate nickels and dimes with complete, but amazingly cheap, strangers. This is called quality family time together.

You get up early on the day of the sale, about 4:15 a.m. because you can’t sleep anyway, so you might as well get to work. You start by carefully displaying all the ‘best merchandise’ and organizing the clothes from the rafters in the garage and on the rack you borrowed. Once everything is perfectly merchandised, it rains and you haul it all inside. The rain stops about 5:00 a.m., three minutes after you get it in the garage, which is when you see a police officer in the driveway citing you for not having a yard and/or garage sale license. (The city council passed the ordinance two weeks ago...didn’t you hear?) Yes, you can go ahead, just remember to pay the fine. You hope the next shift gets the word.

Having overcome these inconveniences, and fortified by your fourth cup of coffee, you are ready to open. You glance at your watch, 5:25 a.m., and wonder if it’s too early to get out the leaf blower to dry off the knickknacks table. It is too early—cup number five calls. Amble over to your used book display and make a selection. About four pages later, you wonder if you should sell it. By page nine, you replace the book on the display, go into the house and turn on the television. It’s almost 6:00. There must be an episode of Law and Order on cable somewhere.

Suddenly, you realize several family members, especially the more-inquisitive ones, will likely be at your sale. During peak times, while you are distracted by shoppers, they will need to use the bathroom, get a drink and maybe a little snack. You have just enough time to get your whole house clean if you and your family skip breakfast, or if they fend for themselves and save the kitchen for last.

By 7:30, the house looks really good. The clutter will soon turn to cash and everything is neat, clean and in-law-ready. You look around and think you might not sell, after all.

If you do decide to sell after all, you will see many such days. They’re called open houses, or showings. Your house has to be kept in-law-ready 24/7. You will have to nag your family constantly to keep things picked-up and put away. There will be lapses, disagreements and a few accusations about your ability to parent effectively.

You will have strangers all over the place, inspecting the blinds, carpets and woodwork, rummaging in your closets, and peeking in your drawers. Some will have bored-to-whining, sticky-fingered, escape-prone children in tow. Of course, you won’t be running around chasing them. No, you will be sitting politely, relegated to one spot in your own house while the Realtor® shows them around. Better still, blow the yard sale money on dinner and a movie and let the realtor do the selling this time.

Happy home-selling. Happy house hunting.

© 2008 by Scott Wm. Cheffer